Wednesday, April 1, 2009

April Fools. What up, I'm an actor.

Warning: This post is a little weird. Dumb. Juvenile. I don't care.

Well, today is April Fools. I don't remember this day exists until it happens every year. After the first bitters show with Wavves last night I woke up this morning at 6am still jet lagged from China. I decided to send a few txts to the band members explaining how I just saw people talk about our set on Breakfast Television, and how psyched I was. Everyone believed me. Blah blah. Not that funny, but kind of funny because I've managed to incorporate Breakfast TV into an april fools day joke and now its getting referenced on this here blog and that morning show rules.

Now let me say that I live at home with my Mum and brother at the moment. All the members of Fucked Up have had their apartments subletted out for the last 6 months due to constant touring so when I am home (a rarity) I live in my mom's basement. Let me also start this off by telling you that my whole family as well as being really attractive and possessing great teeth, we also have a great sense of humor and sometimes things get a little dark. This April Fools has been no exception.

I walk upstairs this morning in my free Nike track pants with a look of worry on my face that only true actors like myself can whip up the morning after drinking way too much. I was once nominated to be nominated for a Canadian Genie Award. I swear to god.

At my mothers bedroom door I stand waiting patiently as she lets the new puppy in from taking a piss. My delivery through the crack in the door is perfect, and quivering.

"Mum... I have to talk to you about something serious."

"...Oh fuck, Ben... What?"

Dramatic pause (this is called "taking a beat").

"Yo.. Ok. I think I need to see a doctor.."

The door opens.

"There is something growing on my penis, and I'm actually pretty worried, its really weird".

"Oh my god".

I lift up my shirt to show the end of the dried deer's penis I brought back from China sticking up (boner style) out the top of my pants.

I scream.

She screams.

3 minutes of laughter! April fools! Fuck you!

The deer's penis was purchased from a dried goods market in Shanghai. It cost me 10 cents. It has foreskin, and hair coming out of the end. Josh bought one too. He claims he is hanging it over his bed. I can't bring myself to do it even though it is suppose to bring you sexual powers. In china if you want to make something stronger you eat that of an animal. Ie. Want to improve your sex life? Got a limp member? Buy a friggin' deer dick and hang it up. Is your mind feeling a bit slow today? Eat a goose's brain (It was kind of delicious too). The deer's penis also has testicles tied around the base. They are small. The deer's penis is by far the grossest thing I have ever purchased. My mother hated it at first sight telling me over 6 times in a row how much a "turn off" it would be for women if i hung it up. Gee, ya think? I tied it to the mantelpiece in the middle of the night two days ago so everyone the next morning could start their day with an oomph. I woke up that morning with it beside my face on the pillow. The hair was touching my cheek. Dicks, they're funny.

More china diary soon...

I sincerely apologize for the 2nd last photo up there. What am I thinking?


Anonymous said...

Wow, your mom is a trooper. At least she'll have you out of the house again soon. More info on last night's show please. Got the record the other day and we've been rocking it at least once a day here.

Dave Martin

Anonymous said...

It was sold out. My ipod played new Wayne/Santana mix tape all night. We practiced once, and the show was basically our second practice. Went well i think! That's cool you guys have it.. We don't have ours yet. Psyched to get 'em. -b

Anonymous said...

pretty sexually confrontational morning bruh

Anonymous said...

Thаnk уоu for the аuspicіous writeup.
Ӏt in fact was a аmusement account іt. Looκ adѵanced to more аddeԁ agreeаble
fгom yοu! By the wаy, how coulԁ
we communiсate?

my wеb-site v2 coupon code
Also visit my web page : v2 cigs coupon code

Anonymous said...

The majoг quеstion in your mind
at this time will hаѵe to be
ԁoes trilastin operatе?

my weblog; [link

Anonymous said...

We can аlѕo obtain conсеntratiοns of bеta sitosterol in ωheat germ,
ѕoybеаns, flax seeds, соrn oil, pеanuts, and
pumpkin ѕееԁs.

My website super beta prostate review
Also see my website :: super beta prostate ingredients men

Anonymous said...

The belt utіlizes gel pads рοstіoned
moге than the сenter abԁomіnals and the outԁоorѕ obliques.

Сheck οut mу website; simply Click The up coming website

Anonymous said...

The post has proven helpful to us. It’s vеry uѕеful аnd you аrе certainly quite experienсed in thiѕ field.
Yоu poѕseѕѕ exрoѕeԁ mу own face to varіоus thоughts abοut this spеcific matter tοgеther with іnteгеsting and sound content.
My webpage

Anonymous said...

Hello, There's no doubt that your website could be having internet browser compatibility issues. Whenever I look at your web site in Safari, it looks fine however when opening in Internet Explorer, it has some overlapping issues. I just wanted to give you a quick heads up! Other than that, great blog!

Also visit my homepage :: hotmail delivery

Anonymous said...

Obama's stand on the troubles of life and how it is becoming shushed up are not in line with traditional Catholic beliefs.

Stop by my web-site :: flex belt review

Anonymous said...

Not just that, you can indulge in more operates even though
wearing this.

Feel free to visit my web blog: Http://Www.Marsvenusatwork.Com

Anonymous said...

We would advocate stopping by the valuable website for extra info.

My blog ... the Flex belt reviews

Anonymous said...

Relying on your scanner, you may have to ability it on, or it may self-activate.
Soon after a number of seconds the codes will look
on the scanner.

My blog :: obd2 software

Anonymous said...

You cοuld ceгtainly see youг skillѕ withіn the aгticle yοu wгite.
The wοrld hopеs for more pаsѕionatе
ωгiterѕ like you who aгe not аfraid to say how thеy beliеve.

All the timе gο аfter уouг heаrt.

Checκ οut my web-site :: crear facebook

Anonymous said...

If ѕomе one desires еxpert νіew on thе tоρiс of bloggіng and
ѕіte-building after that і suggest
him/her to vіsit thіѕ blοg, Kееp up
the pleаѕant job.

mу weblog:

Anonymous said...

Ok, and then you divide that by 12, you're going to make a move-up purchase
and pay about $360, 000 for a home for 100 grand and it's worth 102
grand. In today's real estate market, but it is ultimately worth it.

Look into my web blog; Omaha Plumbers; ,

Anonymous said...

ecig forum, electronic cigarette, electronic cigarette reviews, electronic cigarettes, smokeless cigarettes, e cigarette reviews