April Fools. What up, I'm an actor.

Warning: This post is a little weird. Dumb. Juvenile. I don't care.


Well, today is April Fools. I don't remember this day exists until it happens every year. After the first bitters show with Wavves last night I woke up this morning at 6am still jet lagged from China. I decided to send a few txts to the band members explaining how I just saw people talk about our set on Breakfast Television, and how psyched I was. Everyone believed me. Blah blah. Not that funny, but kind of funny because I've managed to incorporate Breakfast TV into an april fools day joke and now its getting referenced on this here blog and that morning show rules.

Now let me say that I live at home with my Mum and brother at the moment. All the members of Fucked Up have had their apartments subletted out for the last 6 months due to constant touring so when I am home (a rarity) I live in my mom's basement. Let me also start this off by telling you that my whole family as well as being really attractive and possessing great teeth, we also have a great sense of humor and sometimes things get a little dark. This April Fools has been no exception.

I walk upstairs this morning in my free Nike track pants with a look of worry on my face that only true actors like myself can whip up the morning after drinking way too much. I was once nominated to be nominated for a Canadian Genie Award. I swear to god.

At my mothers bedroom door I stand waiting patiently as she lets the new puppy in from taking a piss. My delivery through the crack in the door is perfect, and quivering.

"Mum... I have to talk to you about something serious."

"...Oh fuck, Ben... What?"

Dramatic pause (this is called "taking a beat").

"Yo.. Ok. I think I need to see a doctor.."

The door opens.

"There is something growing on my penis, and I'm actually pretty worried, its really weird".

"Oh my god".

I lift up my shirt to show the end of the dried deer's penis I brought back from China sticking up (boner style) out the top of my pants.

I scream.

She screams.

3 minutes of laughter! April fools! Fuck you!




The deer's penis was purchased from a dried goods market in Shanghai. It cost me 10 cents. It has foreskin, and hair coming out of the end. Josh bought one too. He claims he is hanging it over his bed. I can't bring myself to do it even though it is suppose to bring you sexual powers. In china if you want to make something stronger you eat that of an animal. Ie. Want to improve your sex life? Got a limp member? Buy a friggin' deer dick and hang it up. Is your mind feeling a bit slow today? Eat a goose's brain (It was kind of delicious too). The deer's penis also has testicles tied around the base. They are small. The deer's penis is by far the grossest thing I have ever purchased. My mother hated it at first sight telling me over 6 times in a row how much a "turn off" it would be for women if i hung it up. Gee, ya think? I tied it to the mantelpiece in the middle of the night two days ago so everyone the next morning could start their day with an oomph. I woke up that morning with it beside my face on the pillow. The hair was touching my cheek. Dicks, they're funny.



More china diary soon...

p.s
I sincerely apologize for the 2nd last photo up there. What am I thinking?